Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm