A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.