I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
A little too much information.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.