911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
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If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
This came to me in a dream.