cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.