[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
October already? What’s next? November????
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored