[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.