the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
You Might Also Like
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*jazz hands*
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now