It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
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It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.