People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Most fashion shows these days…
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
This meal prepping shit easy
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.