The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.