If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
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Morningbreath
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Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is