Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Chicago sounds lovely.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.