a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Buck naked
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Lucky old June.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in