sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
You Might Also Like
new year update: losing everything but weight
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar