One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Mistakes were made
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
That’s incredible! 👌
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”