Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.