I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
They got Raph!
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.