Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore