[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home