Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Finally! 😈
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement