It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
“The Perfect Relationship”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The best plant holders?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”