“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.