At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
You Might Also Like
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Boom, boom, ching!
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going