My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
*seductively corrects your posture*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Pretty much! 😂👀
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.