I’d … I’d rather not.
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What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
This will teach them to underestimate me