I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Eat…
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome