I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Breaking news:
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?