A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Boom, boom, ching!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?