You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
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stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
…żyje?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Delightful if true: booby trap.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy