Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Girl, same.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.