If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.