The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Genius idea!!
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants