i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean