Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!