911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
my proudest tweet
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Good morning!
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
nature’s most graceful animal
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.