Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Velcrow
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
oh u like geography? name every lake
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??