Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
How to make infinite energy.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Monday
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
🤣could you imagine
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works