Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Beware…..
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”