Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)