Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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Wikigenius
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me