My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”