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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.