Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
#titanic
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.