Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
You Might Also Like
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Good advice.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.