COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.