My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.