is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
You Might Also Like
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
😆this is so true
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”