Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
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[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
This is a whole mood;
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
From my Mom
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*