[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Ugh but profoundly
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.